Writing as therapy

In my writing class, our assignment for the week is to write about either our favorite dessert or a spiritual experience. I've already written about my favorite dessert, and it made me hungry. So I'll tackle the divine.

I've had plenty of high points in my spiritual journey. My first was when I was just 9 years old, a mere 4th grader. I was sad, in bed, at night.

There I lay, alone in the darkness of my room, haunted by insomnia. I was crying to myself, feeling lonesome. It was a hard time for me. My parents were both very involved with work, and my brother was in his second year at a very demanding school, so I felt isolated from my family. My father was literally gone 4 days a week on business travel. My brother was at school an hour longer than me each day and stayed in his room to do homework all afternoon.

I prayed. I prayed a lot - praying every night was a habit of mine. I read my Bible, attended Sunday School, even attempted to memorize Bible verses. A year earlier, my mother had encouraged me to read Leviticus as a cure for insomnia. Surprisingly, I found the book absolutely fascinating, and so I was reading a lot of the Bible. It didn't cure my insomnia, but I suppose it was a good thing for my soul.

That night I prayed, crying out to God. I was sad and alone. In that dark room, I felt God's presence. The Holy Spirit told me I needed to give myself to God. How? It wasn't a voice. Not an audible one. It was just knowledge, a thought that emerged in my mind. I had not been baptized as a baby, and in Sunday School we had talked about baptism and "inviting God into your heart." The knowledge that it was time to give myself to God manifested in action as praying that prayer. I invited Jesus to live in my heart.

What was this like? I have layers of memory covering the original experience. There was the direct contact - the mystical communion between the Holy Spirit and my spirit. There was the layer of conscious thought - the encoding of the communion into words and action. There was the layer of theology - the proper response to God's call. The layer of narrative, when I chose to share the experience and come forward for public baptism. The layer of memory, as I encoded that moment into long term storage.

At the root was the mystical experience - the connection with the Divine. I heard God. I gave myself to Her.

So what, I'm a Failure

So here's the weird thing about being me. Yes, I'm sad and depressed. Yes, the thought of closing my business is heartbreaking and frustrating. Yes there's part of me that is lying on the ground crying and wailing.
But there's another part. A part that says, yeah, so what.
This is just drama. Me wailing and beating myself up about being a failure - it's just drama. I'm successful and accomplished, and I do amazing things. And that means that eventually, when this stretch of drama has played out, I'll get back to doing amazing things.
I don't know what they will be. I don't know when they will happen. I don't know anything, really, other than the fact that at my core, I am OK.

This is what all those motivational posters are talking about. This is inspiration in action. Allowing myself to feel depressed and sad. Allowing myself to cry over business failures. But also letting go of the drama because I know the TRUTH. The truth is that I am OK. I am God's daughter. As a failure, I am still beloved and precious. I have value. My life has value. Even my failures are valuable to God, because She will transform them into Her successes.

Does it give me comfort? Does it take away my tears? Does it give me the motivation to pick up and start doing stuff?
NO.

I still feel like shit.
I still feel like a failure.
I still feel sad over losing my business.
It still hurts.

BUT.

It's temporary.
I can give myself grace, I can allow myself to grieve, I can shrug off the pain and not try to inspire myself because I know this will pass. I can enjoy my day because I know this is all a bunch of drama and lies. Because I am OK. I have value. God can work with me, no matter what.

I'm not happy. I'm not determined to take up my bed and walk. I'm not ready to strategize for future success. But I am able to keep putting one foot ahead of the other. I am able to take good care of my self by eating healthily, sleeping well, and doing ONLY things I enjoy doing.

I'm a Failure

There comes a point when you just have to admit it. I'm a failure.
I write, but no one wants to read it.
I coach, but no one wants to receive it.
I offer fantastic programs at amazing prices, and no one wants to buy them.
I offer great free content, and no one wants to hear it.

It's time to give up and quit. All my business has done is generate losses. Sure, I've helped people. I've helped people a LOT. But that doesn't matter. I can't make a profit. And I can help people without spending my own damn money.

Why write? I guess just as a hobby. But forget any idea of publishing. My one published book was a financial loss too. I'm really good at generating financial losses. Maybe I should be an accountant.

But no one would pay for that either.

I have two Master's degrees. I have outstanding academic records. I have accomplished a crazy amount of great things.

But my bottom line says no one wants me.

I quit. I'm done. Me Zero, Big Bad World One. Thanks to Jonathon Coulton for the words.