Raising a Reader

I haven’t been as successful as a mom as I would like. But I have succeeded in two areas. One is in the area of eating. My child is not a picky eater. She eats lots of food, a wide variety of fruits and vegetables, and we can take her to any restaurant and know she’ll find something to eat. As a picky eater myself, I’m proud of this. Second, my child is an advanced reader. At the end of kindergarten, she is reading at a first grade level. In fact, she is almost at the reading level goal for end of year first graders!

So how did I raise a reader? 

Be a Reader

If you don't read, don't expect your child to read either. Monkey See, Monkey Do is the rule here. So if you want your child to read, boost your own reading habits! We have bookshelves dripping with books in almost every room of the house (including hers). She sees us reading constantly. We take books on vacation with us for her and for ourselves.

Make Reading Fun

Read to them 

We read to her all the time. Even when she was a few weeks old, I read board books to her. I pointed to the illustrations. As she got older, I traced the words I was reading while I read them. I read a Mother Goose nursery rhyme book to her over and over, daily. I read to her all the time: at breakfast, throughout the day, before bed.

Let them move around

I let her move when she’s listening. On Saturdays, it’s not unusual for me to read to her for an hour or more – when we started Harry Potter all her waking leisure hours were devoted to listening to me read. But she’s a kid, so she’s not going to sit still and listen. And she’s not going to stare at a page that’s covered in text. So I let her rough house and play. I sit and read and she jumps around the room, colors, does crafts, or plays with a doll or two. I know she’s soaking in the story, even if it looks like she isn’t. Even at bedtime reading, I let her move freely around her room. Sometimes she spends that time constantly jumping off the bed. 

Push their reading limits

I read books that are beyond her reading capacity. Board books and Mother Goose gets old really fast. So as soon as I could, I upped the game. I started her on Dr. Suess when she was not quite 2 years old. We read A.A. Milne Pooh stories to her when she was just three years old. We started the Narnia books when she was four. She is almost 7 years old now and we have read the following books to her: the entire Narnia series, the entire Little House on the Prairie series, the first two Harry Potter books, the first three Wrinkle in Time books, The Hobbit, several Roald Dahl books, and the first two Anne of Green Gables books. It may seem too advanced, but kids love extended story lines. Chapters books are like serial TV shows. They end with a cliffhanger, follow the stories of multiple characters, and have distinct stories in each chapter. If your kid can follow a TV show, your kid can follow a chapter book plot.

Read classics

Classic books get that way for a reason. Yes, the culture and language of The Secret Garden or Narnia might be a bit odd to modern ears. But the stories are eternally appealing and understandable. And while you might think a book like The Hobbit is not really appropriate for a 6 year old, my daughter would beg to differ. I've read some of the books that are based on TV shows and movies, and let me tell you, they are crap. No kid is going to fall in love with reading by reading a badly written synopsis of a cartoon TV show. And you don't have to go old school. The Harry Potter series is well written and will become a classic. Your librarian will be able to help you a lot here. 

Pick fun books

Yes, we started our daughter with basic classics. Although she enjoyed Little House in the Big Woods, when we started Farmer Boy, we lost her. In fact, it took a year to convince her to listen to another Little House book because she was so turned off by Almanzo! So if your kid hates a book, don't force it on them. We moved on to Narnia after the Farmer Boy disaster, and she loved it. After we read through the entire Narnia series twice, we graduated to Harry Potter (just the first two books). When I started Harry Potter, she was on fire! Every minute of every day, she wanted to listen to Harry Potter.
We recently read Anne of Green Gables followed by Anne of Avonlea. She loves the characters, but at the end of Anne of Avonlea, decided against reading more Anne. She told me that Anne was getting too grown up. So we've stopped reading that series - I'm confident she'll return to it in a few years.
Another super favorite author of hers is Roald Dahl. We had read Charlie and the Chocolate Factory to her a couple of times. Now, some parents might shy away from Dahl, with the dark humor and violence. Yet she loves the books. In fact, she loves them so much that she is beginning to read them independently. They are just right above her reading level, but she enjoys them so much that she struggles through just for the satisfaction of it.

Make reading a reward  

I let her stay up past bedtime to read. Her bedtime is 7:30 PM, and we are pretty strict about that. She’s a night owl, and can easily stay up until 10 or 11 PM without getting irritable. So it’s important to get her in bed early so she has sufficient time to wind down and fall asleep. But for Christmas this year, Santa brought her a night table and lamp. I knew she was just starting to read, so I decided to give her an incentive to improve her reading. I gave her permission to stay up as late as she wanted, as long as she was in bed reading a book. It could be any book – challenging or simple. I often came in her room at 9:30 or 10:00 to check on her and would find her fast asleep face down on a book! She’s also learning how to self regulate the amount of sleep she gets.

Don't teach, just read

I explain some concepts, but not all of them. Many of the words in these books are far beyond her vocabulary. But the context explains them well enough. If she interrupts to ask what a word means, I define it. Or if it’s a foreign concept, I explain it. But generally, I just read along. Stopping to look up a word while reading interrupts the entire process for an individual. The ability to press on through the story and let the context define the word is good for reading comprehension.

I've inserted some links to articles that support or expand on these concepts, but basically this is my own strategy. I hope you find it helpful! Feel free to add your own successful techniques in the comments.

My Mental Illness Makes Me Supergirl

I have a mental illness. It’s called Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD, which is the best (or worst?) acronym ever. Like Supergirl or Superman, I get my powers from the Earth’s yellow sun. But in September, when the days get shorter and the sun becomes more oblique, I lose my powers, just as if Supergirl were back on Krypton. I lose my ability to sleep through the night, I lose my power of motivation, and I lose my patience. In other words, I get restless, irritable, and slothful.

People with SAD can use medication or light therapy (or both) to treat the symptoms. Light therapy is buying a really bright light and sitting in front of it daily for a certain amount of time. My “prescription” is 20 minutes of bright light in the morning and in the early evening. You can buy a light box, also known as a sun lamp, online from any number of sources.You cannot, however, get the same effect from sitting in front of a lamp with a high wattage bulb. You also cannot get the same effect by just going outside more in the winter, because the oblique angle of the sun means that winter light is less intense than summer light.

This spring has been especially difficult for me. While many people with SAD are most affected by fall, I find spring the be the worst season. I hate spring, I hate the month of March, I hate all the weather between January snows and May 80 degree days.

And I know that I “shouldn’t” use the word hate. I know I ought to use gratitude and acceptance to deal with the variables of spring weather, but this spring pushed me over the edge. It was a constant barrage of cold weather and cold rain and gray dull days. Then we had snow storms in March. Then it just stayed cold and wet and dull all through April, with freezes as late as April 20, which is VERY late for Raleigh, NC.

This past week has been different though. It has finally warmed up. The sun has been shining. And I’ve been able to sit outside and breathe fresh air for several consecutive days. I’m regaining my superpowers. And I finally feel like myself again. The world lays in front of me, a buffet of projects and opportunities and fun things to do. Weeding my gardens, planting flowers that will probably either die or get eaten by the wild bunnies in my yard, going on picnics and walks with my family, taking Sunday naps in my hammock, sweating poolside with friends, squinting at my computer screen while sitting outside a coffee shop, listening to birds greet the morning sun, watching fireflies ascend with the moon, all these things beckon to me. Even the ordinary tasks of life are easier: laundry, tidying up, cooking, meal planning, grocery shopping, brushing teeth: it’s all better when it’s warm outside.

It's later than normal, but I am Supergirl once again.

The Mandate of Inclusion

I have often heard people use the Bible to justify “putting out” a sinner from the church community. In Matthew, Jesus taught a form of conflict resolution: Confront the person, confront the person with a witness, confront the person in the presence of the church, kick the person out. In 1 Corinthians, Paul urges the church to turn their back on a sinning member.

But in today’s reading, 2 Corinthians, Paul has a different message: “Most of you opposed him, and that was punishment enough. Now, however, it is time to forgive and comfort him. Otherwise he may be overcome by discouragement. So I urge you now to reaffirm your love for him.” It’s pretty clear that Paul is following up on the case he mentioned in 1 Corinthians.

We like kicking people out. The us v. them mentality is ubiquitous and deeply satisfying. We like bringing people into our club and we like pushing them out. We like joining and then leaving. I have heard far too many stories of churches kicking people out for their sins.

And this isn’t a hobby just found in the American Evangelical and Fundamentalist groups. Early church history is a long list of excommunications and double anathemas. Part of the spread of Christianity is due to the exiling of “heretical” priests. They went into the wilderness and spread the gospel.

I personally believe that the church needs to transcend this divisive mentality. As we prepare to celebrate Maundy Thursday, it would be good to meditate on the actual words Jesus spoke. Maundy comes from the same root word as “mandate.” Jesus gave us a mandate: to serve one another. To wash each other’s feet; in other words, to do lowly and humiliating service to everyone in our community. Jesus taught us very clearly that it is in abiding in Him that we will be identified. Not by who we exclude. But by our willingness to extend our loving service to every single person.

As always, I’m not bragging here. I write these words as a reminder as much to myself as to anyone else. Today I will strive to abide in God’s love, and I will fail. But God will always open Her arms back to me.

Teaching Empathy

I work with a family therapist, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. She does more work with Tori than with me, but I do join them at the beginning or end of the session. During one session, she asked me if I gave parental advice. I was shocked. I mean, here I am, at a family therapist. Doesn't that mean I'm not qualified to give advice? But she was serious. She thinks I'm doing a really good job, and that I should share my ideas with others. I have to say, I'm not sure I really am qualified to be a parental advisor, but here's a story I'm comfortable sharing, with the hopes that it may help other parents.

Every so often my daughter gets chatty about school. It’s usually at night, when the lights are off and we are engaged in “quiet” cuddles. I know it’s a delaying tactic, but since she NEVER talks about school otherwise, I let it happen.

Generally speaking, the narrative is one about how she is the hero of the playground. Quite often, there is also judgmental commentary on the kids in the class who misbehave. My daughter may think nothing of slamming doors at home, but at school she is truly a little angel. People often tell me that's a sign of good parenting. Sometimes I wish I weren't such a good parent...

Last night she was telling me about a kid in her class who clearly has some behavioral issues. This child, I’ll call them Pat, is taken out of class to work with a special teacher and my daughter mentioned that Pat goes to the principal’s office to avoid “hurting the other kids in class.” I don’t know if Pat has a learning disability, or a severe behavioral problem. I don’t know anything about Pat except that my daughter disapproves and feels superior.

I'm all about removing stigma from mental health issues, and I don't think 6 is too young to start her education. So I said: “It sounds like Pat has some big feelings and doesn’t know how to handle them. You know, when you had big feelings, we had to go see the counselor.”

“Yes, I used to hit you, and then I saw the feelings doctor and learned how to get my angries out.”

“That’s right. And then you wanted to go again, so you get to go now.”

“Yes, I like going to see her. I get a lot out of it.”

“Well, it sounds like Pat doesn’t get to go see a feelings doctor. Isn’t it great that Pat can see a feelings doctor at school? Sometimes, when people have big feelings and don’t know how to deal with them, they do bad things. They hurt other people.”

“Yes, Pat tells lies about the other kids in the class.” Then followed a long story about kids tattling on other kids. Teachers are saints. I would go insane - just listening to my daughter recount all this drama is wearing me out!

I brought us back to the matter at hand: “So the important thing to remember is that when we meet people like Pat, it’s OK to set boundaries and stay away so they can’t hurt us. But we also need to give them sympathy. Because they have big feelings and don’t know what to do with them. They are feeling really bad when they do those things. And if it really bothers you, you can pray for Pat. That’s what I do.”

She responded with silence to this, thinking it over. I know I haven't won the Nobel prize for this conversation, or answered all her questions about mental health. But it's a start. 

I want her to be compassionate towards all people. Compassionate for kids who are less intelligent than her, kids who have less opportunities or money than her, kids who have disabilities. It's a big goal and will take me the rest of her time at home, and maybe longer. And it's a lesson I need to keep learning for myself.  

Note: I used a gender neutral alias for the child in this post.

The Hideous Surprises of Growing Old

“I thought you’d get more time out of this tooth,” he says with a sigh.

Overhead the TV is broadcasting interviews with the USA hockey team, wearing their gold medals.

“Is there something I can do? Should I brush more often? Take calcium?”

Another sigh.

“It’s just a matter of time now. We don’t usually remove teeth until there’s pain or swelling.”

“It doesn’t bother me.”

So there’s a reprieve, of sorts. I get to keep this molar until it becomes painful.

The medalists smile, young faces filled with shiny white teeth. Teeth that aren’t being rejected by their gums.

I continue my questions, hoping for some word of hope, some instruction for preservation. It’s small comfort to realize that there’s nothing I can do: the roots of my molars just aren’t normal, and so they don’t really work. But I’m only 43. I didn’t expect to be discussing tooth implants with my dentist today.

This is the worst part of aging. It’s the unexpected parts. The random chin and neck hairs that sprout overnight and are somehow a full inch long. The way my newly limp skin droops around my neck. The surprising shifts in menstruation.

My birthday was Tuesday. Everyone wishes me well and asks me how it went. What is there to say? It was a good day, in a good life that I have worked very hard to create. A life in which, I’m learning, there is no way to sit back and rest on one’s laurels. Because a good life is also a life where there is constant change. As a parent, I’m teaching my child, the love of my life, how to successfully move away and live without me. As a wife I’m investing my energy and intimacy into another mortal, which means one day I will be left without a partner (or he will). As a coach, I pour out love and support to equip a person to move ahead without my help.

I’m not happy about potentially losing my tooth. But I will adjust and move forward. And once I get comfortable, my body will jump into another surprise of middle age. Life will happen no matter how I feel about it. I might as well choose acceptance and find joy.

February Stitch Fix!

You know how there’s a Pin that says “I wish pinning something would make it appear in my closet?” Yeah, I have that. It’s called StitchFix, and it’s like having a fairy godmother. I link my account to my Pinterest clothing board, and then, whenever I schedule it, StitchFix sends me a “Fix” of 5 clothing items. Oh, and they also have my measurements, color preferences, and budget preferences. It’s totally fun, and if I don’t like anything, I send it back in the prepaid envelope. If I keep nothing, it only costs me $20 for the styling fee. If I keep all five things, I get a 20% discount!

If YOU use my link above, I'll get a $25 gift certificate. You totally should. Yes, you, person reading my blog who has talked to me about Stitch Fix and wondered about doing it yourself. Go for it!

So I got my Fix today and it was EXACTLY what I needed to motivate me. I’ve got a wee sore throat, and have been a little sleep deprived, so I spent the morning napping. But once I saw my Fix, I got my butt out of bed and did a little at home modeling, which I will now share with all of you!

First up, the Karlotta Hooded Dolman Knit Top by 41 Hawthorn. Um, yes please? This piece is a LOT like one of my first Fix pieces, which I wear basically nonstop. I mean, if you have seen me more than 3 times in the last year, you've probably seen me in that top. 

This is me channeling my inner CW villain

This top has a hood and a stomach pocket, which makes it super fabulous for bumming around the house on a Saturday. It could also be the perfect “jacket” for when I go to the movies in the summer – a nice thin top with pocket and hood to go over a cute tank top. I especially like the long tail, which allows me to adjust the blousing effect to the most flattering angle. It’s $58, and given how much I suspect I’ll wear it, that’s worth every penny. 

Next, the Redina Open Crochet Hooded Pullover by Harper Lane. This is a top I would like to love, but I’m not sure about it. The open work sleeves and shoulders are quite cute, and I would like layering them over solid color tops. But the cut isn’t quite as flattering as the 41 Hawthorn. It’s also a hooded top. In addition, there’s a little hole in one sleeve. Now, in two years, this is the first damaged garment I’ve received, so I bet if I keep it, I could request the company to send me a non damaged one. This top is $68. 

The Rose bootcut pant by Kut From the Kloth is $78 and will be a standout addition to my working wardrobe. It fits perfectly, has normal pockets, and is just the right length for my long legs and my beloved Danskos. And I finally purchased myself a belt that fits, which you can see is just the right accessory for these pants.

I combined these pants with the Mirene Duster Cardigan by Honey Punch, and the infinity scarf from my last Fix. I love this outfit: it's professional, stylish, comfortable and did I mention the pockets?

Now let’s talk about that fairy godmother effect. You like the duster sweater I’m wearing with those pants? First of all, look at all the swirling. This is why I love a duster sweater! It feels like I’m wearing a cape. Nothing boosts my superhero mojo more than a cape like sweater whipping around my calves! Which is why I bought a duster sweater, just last week.

Yes, I went shopping at Old Navy, totally on random impulse, last week. Never should have done that! I did get that great belt, but I also bought myself a wine colored duster sweater. I should have known that my StitchFix fairy godmother would get me a duster! She’s been looking at all my Pins!!

Sigh.

I would be all over this Mirene Duster Cardigan by Honey Punch, if I didn’t already own one that’s almost the exact same color and style. It’s $68, however, and my Buy 5 discount is $100, so it may still end up in my closet.

Finally, the Rosemary Cowl Neck Cashmere Sweater by Lusso Cashmere. This is the most expensive item, at $128. It’s very warm and snuggly. But I’m not convinced on the cut or the color.

So what do you think? Keep the cashmere sweater? Keep the duplicate duster?

Will Your Writing Succeed in 2018?

Special thanks to Katharine Grubb for this guest blog post!

I blame the ice and snow. I blame the post-holiday fog that is still lingering in the corner around those Christmas cards I still have hanging on the mantel. I blame the insatiable desire for all things flavored egg nog and peppermint. I think we should collectively rename January and call it "Good Intentions Month" instead.

Will the rest of the year be any different? Will we really make time to pursue our dreams or will we snuggle up with old habits like we do those flannel pajamas we got for Christmas?

 

I believe, though, that the mid-winter fizzle doesn't have to come. I believe that with encouragement, practical planning and accountability, any time-crunched (or just downright lazy) writer can find time to meet writing goals for 2018.

Here's how:

• Know your specific goals. You can't develop a good writing habit if you don't know what you're trying to accomplish. Come up with a clear goal for the day. Will you write for ten minutes? Will you write a thousand words? Will you get up an hour early every day?

• Have a space that's just yours for writing. If you don't have a designated space to write, then it will be much harder to commit to your goals. Take some time to clear off a table, restart that old laptop or unpile the desk. If you take your workspace seriously, you'll be more motivated.

• Have an organized, easy to access document. If you only have a few minutes a day to write, you don't want to waste it looking for that old file from Windows 98. Get everything together either on your computer or on your desk and keep it handy.

• Evaluate your time commitments. This could be the most challenging thing you do in this process. Slowly go through all your obligations and evaluate their importance. If you can say no to an obligation you don't love or need, then you can fill it up with writing time.

• Look for time wasters throughout your day. We're all given the same amount of time a day. We get no more or less. Make sure every moment of your day is useful. You may be surprised at how much extra time you have if you turn off Netflix, combine errands or stop playing Crossy Road.

• Delegate your responsibilities. Is it possible that other members of your household can take over a few tasks? Analyze what can be given to spouses, children or teens. By gently instructing them and trusting them in your tasks, you're giving them value and having them share your vision.

• Communicate your needs to your family. Have you expressed a need to the people that you live with that you want time to write? Can you ask for ten minutes here and there? This also brings them into your life and they can be your biggest cheerleaders.

• Have low expectations and grace for yourself. Your writing goals for 2018 should not be unrealistic and lofty. A NYT best-selling title in the next 365 days isn't in your future. Instead, think about small, daily changes that can make a difference in your time management.

• Learn to work fast. If you only have ten minutes to write and you're fussy over each word, you're not going to go far. Practice free writing or sprinting so you have something on the document. This habit will build your productivity and your confidence.

• Silence your inner critic. This is probably the hardest thing to do. Let 2018 be the year that you look your inner critic in the eye, call him a dirty name and kick him out the door. You can't succeed if you have that inner critic giving you trouble.

• And most importantly, plan your summer writing conference! 10 Minute Novelists, a Facebook group for time-crunched writers everywhere cordially invites you to join them for their first ever conference. 

August 9-11, 2018, 10MinCon, Small Things Brought Together

Our intention is to bring together hundreds of virtual friends and mentors to meet in person while honing their craft. In addition to pursuing their writing goals 10 minutes at a time, many attendees are full-time employees, parents, homeschoolers, and caregivers whose time is already stretched to its limits.

We're featuring widely-sought award-winning and bestselling authors Donald Mass, Janice Hardy, and James Scott Bell, at The Embassy Suites in Covington, Kentucky.

It is no small thing to pursue your dreams. 10 Minute Novelists understand this. Join us this next August for a chance to learn and grow with us.

For more information about the conference, including the schedule and registration details, visit www.10mincon.com. For more information about 10 Minute Novelists, visit www.10minutenovelists.com.

So yeah, right now we do have ice, snow, and the temptation to stay warm and not venture out to pursue our goals. But this August, you can change that. Put down your peppermint hot chocolate and think margarita!

The year has just begun! It's time to grow as a writer.

Your dreams are worth it.

Taking Steps to Stop #MeToo

The phrase "Me Too" is all over Facebook these days. People who post it are raising awareness of sexual harassment and assault. By posting Me Too, we are affirming that yes, we have personally experiences harassment and/or assault.
There's been a lot of discussion about this, especially since many of us (myself included) don't feel like our experiences count. I've never been raped, and most of the harassment I've experienced has been because I'm pretty, or so I tell myself. And therefore I am told to ignore it. Which is, of course, the very definition of rape culture. You can't ignore catcalls or public groping and then turn around and reject date rape. That is what we are beginning to realize. Our autonomy extends far beyond the simple boundary of genital contact.
In this midst of all this, I have a 6 year old in kindergarten. She's mentioned a few times that there is a boy who likes to chase her. At first she was flattered, calling him her boyfriend. I chuckled and let it go. But later she complained that she didn't want to play chase.

This is where rape culture begins. With a little boy chasing an unwilling girl. 

I told her to tell him that she doesn't want to play chase, and I told her to not run. After all, what fun is it to chase a person who isn't running?
Then this morning she told me that she didn't like school. When I asked why, she reluctantly told me that it's because this boy is still chasing her. And the whole #MeToo campaign hit home for me. Because part of me thinks, "aww, this boy must have a crush on her." But with the awareness of #MeToo, I knew it was time to STOP this madness.
I turned and looked at my daughter and said, "You have the right to not be chased by him. You have the right to tell him to stop. Today on the playground, throw up your hands like this, get in his face, and say, 'Stop it! I don't want to play chase!'" Then I made her practice on me.

We think we don't need to talk to our children about sexual assault until they are older, but the reality of rape culture is that it begins as soon as kids start playing together. 

My daughter dealt with a similar situation to this in preschool. A boy there was calling her nicknames (not mean ones), and we practiced what to say to him. Thanks to her ability to assert herself with him, the nicknames stopped and the two of them became friends.
This is how I'm taking action to make #MeToo stop. By training my daughter to assert her autonomy and her boundaries now. And if the issue isn't resolved, I'm going to contact the boy's parents and talk with them. I won't be nasty. I'll simply explain what's going on and tell them to talk to their son. Because I'm sure he's a nice boy. In fact, he may well have a crush on my daughter, and doesn't know how to express it. So this is their chance to raise a son who will not perpetuate rape culture.

We are all in this together. 

One final thought. Rape culture does NOT mean that all females are victims and all males are rapists. Females can harass and assault, and males can be victims. Rape culture is a problem that affects all PEOPLE regardless of gender.

Coping Strategies that Work

Last spring my anxiety jumped up and hijacked my life. It was a weird time. So in June I started seeing a therapist. At this point in my life, it just makes sense. If I had a severe asthma attack and my inhaler didn't fix it, I would see the doctor. Same thing with anxiety.
Anyway, I'm finally starting to get my groove back. So for Top 10 Tuesday, here are some coping mechanisms that actually work.
10. Stop doing stuff you dislike.
Seriously, if you can get away with not doing a task, then don't do it. If a task sucks energy out of you, and you are battling mental illness, then don't waste your precious energy on it. Obviously this doesn't apply to everything. But I bet there are a lot of things in your life you can let go of for a short time.

9. Take naps. Sleep is one of the best restorative activities out there. Take little naps, big naps, short naps, long naps. Give yourself an extra hour of sleep at night. Let your body and mind drink deep of the restoration of rest.

8. Pursue laughter. Watch TV shows and movies that make you laugh. Read funny books and comedy websites. Go out to a comedy club. Use the power of streaming TV to watch a show from your past that made you laugh like crazy. Give yourself permission to laugh a little each day.

7. Depend on other people. Yes, it just might be time to let go of the illusion of control and let other people run the show for a while. Let me tell you, I don't know anyone battling mental issues who doesn't also have control issues (and that includes me). Control is pretty much a universal desire. So let it go. Let your spouse be in charge of the household. I bet it won't fall apart.

6. Get help. Find a therapist or a counselor. If that's not your thing, find someone you can talk to. Get some Reiki sessions, or schedule a few massage therapy sessions. Even a regular time with your hair stylist or a manicurist can be helpful. The point is to get a captive audience where you can talk and not have to listen. A one way street.

5. Eat healthy foods. I'm not saying you can't eat comfort foods! But everyone likes at least one healthy food. Maybe it's a fruit or vegetable. Maybe it's lean meat. Maybe it's salad, or yogurt. But find one healthy food and eat a little of it whenever you can. Making healthy food choices will keep your body in good working order, which does benefit your emotional moods. You can't eat your way out of mental illness, but you can make tiny healthy choices for yourself along the path to wellness.

4. Keep your hands busy. This is one reason that I cross stitch - to keep my hands busy. It's not mentally challenging, but it does give me a tiny win for each day. And tiny wins are really huge wins when you're battling depression or anxiety. You can cross stitch, knit, crochet, play cat's cradle, braid your hair, pet a cat or dog, etc. If nothing else, get a bowl and fill it with small objects: pebbles, buttons, rice, marbles, dried beans, beads, etc. Then run your hands through it.

3. Volunteer. I know this is a challenge. It's so hard to motivate yourself to do ANYTHING. But find a volunteer job that suits your personality and is inside your comfort zone. There are millions of volunteer activities out there, and doing something to help others, even just once a month, is a positive distraction from your own feelings.

2. Stop consuming news media. It doesn't matter whether you read Fox News or Jezebel, it's all written to create anxiety and fear. But really, when was the last time you actually did something or changed a decision based on a news story? Get a trusted friend to keep you informed about any important news stories and ignore all the rest. Worried about missing something vital? Here's what you'll be missing:

• Trump said something stupid and inflammatory
• Congress is considering a bill that will harm you
• People are killing other people. 
• Weather is happening
• Traffic is bad, usually during rush hour

1. Create a ritual for yourself. Just one small daily thing that you control entirely. A glass of wine on your porch after dinner. A cup of hot tea or coffee in the morning. One entry in a gratitude journal when you go to bed. Three yoga poses before you put on pajamas. Creating a ritual gives you something that you DO have control over. It also gives you another tiny win for your day. 

I'm doing better. I don't know why my anxiety peaked. But it doesn't matter. These are the coping strategies I used, and I'm coming out of it. I hope something here helps you!

A Mighty (Sexy) Girl

My six year old told me recently that she wants a pair of jeans. I went to Target and was horrified to discover that my choices were either Skinny, Super Skinny, or Jeggings. Honestly, Target, what is even the difference? I’m opposed to the sexualization of children so I’m not buying those jeans. Besides, skinny jeans can physically harm the wearer!
I went on Facebook and asked my mom friends where to find kids jeans that aren’t designed for teens and adults. One of them suggested Wal Mart. Now, I hate Wal Mart. It’s dirty, understaffed, and the corporate policies are awful. But I did want a pair of kids jeans. So at the end of our date night, my husband and I went to Wal Mart. We did find a pair of normal jeans, so yay for that.
However, while we were there, we saw these:

I laughed and said, “Look, Deadpool underwear for little boys! Not appropriate.”

My husband agreed. We kept looking, fascinated by the juxtaposition of Sesame Street characters and Marvel super heroes. Then I picked one up. The back was narrower than the front.

“How is a boy even suppose to wear these?” I asked him.

“I don’t know.”

I pulled the waist out from the hanger and noticed how wide they were.

“Um, I don’t think these are for boys.”

“What do you mean? Who could they be for?”

“Little girls!” I exclaimed. “Haven’t I just been telling you that they are sexualizing our kids?”

We continued to stare, puzzling out the bizarre underwear. I saw this was an end cap to an aisle of bras. Adult bras.

“Oh, these are for women,” I said.

“NO!” My husband shook his head. “Look, it’s Sesame Street characters! What woman wants to wear Big Bird underwear?”

“Yes, these are for women!”

So here are the top 5 things wrong with these underpants.

5. They have a really narrow butt. This means they will constantly be wedged into the wearer’s butt crack.

4. They aren’t thongs. If something is going to be in my butt crack, it should be a thong, because at least that way I won’t have visible panty lines.

3. They have Sesame Street characters on them. Look, I get how you might want a pair of Oscar the Grouch underwear that say “Nope” on them. We all get periods. But Big Bird? Cookie Monster? Elmo?

2. They are, with one exception, male characters. Thor, Captain America, Oscar the Grouch, Big Bird, Deadpool, Captain Marvel (who even knows who that is???). The female is Black Widow. Forget feminism. Forget the wildly successful Wonder Woman that is currently in the theaters. Make women wear sexy underwear that celebrates male comic book heroes.

1. These are not knock offs. That means that someone at PBS looked at the idea to put Sesame Street Muppets on women’s underwear and said yes.

I guess the idea is that all women need to fit into one carefully designated box. We must be skinny to the point of disease, young to the point of puberty, mentally young to the level of Sesame Street, but also as sexy as the girlfriends of comic book super heroes. No thanks.

Miscarriage

Several years ago, I sat in a bathroom staring at one word on a white stick: Pregnant.

I hadn't been trying to get pregnant. I was on birth control. We didn't want kids. But there it was. The word.

The next day I went to the doctor, because one of my medications was forbidden for pregnant women. My urine test was inconclusive so they sent me for a blood test. I was frantic. How long would these results take? How long before I knew if my life plans were ruined or not?

That night I had a miscarriage. Two weeks later, I found myself crying hysterically over a pregnancy I had never wanted. I was stunned at how badly it hurt to lose a pregnancy that I hadn't even discovered until days before it ended.

After that, my husband and I decided we needed to make a permanent decision regarding kids. I was on medication that could cause miscarriages, and obviously birth control wasn't foolproof. We needed to take permanent action one way or another. After several months of prayer, discussion, and consideration, we decided to try for kids. I changed my medications, went off birth control, and started taking prenatal vitamins. Within 2 months we were pregnant.

That child is 6 years old now, and she is the best and most complicated blessing I've ever received.

In her book, Holy Trinity and the Power of Three, Cynthia Bourgeault discusses a concept known as the Law of Three. This law is the idea that every whole thing, material or non material, contains three forces: affirming, denying, and reconciling. Something new arises, which is affirmation, and then it is blocked, which is denial. Reconciliation occurs and something new comes into being.

For the last few months I have been "in the process" of ordination. I was seeking to be ordained as a deacon in the Episcopal church. That journey came to an end last week. The answer is "not now." And it's not the answer I wanted to hear, or expected to hear. It hurts a lot. I've cried a lot. But every time I pray about it, God reminds me of my miscarriage.

God's call to me is the affirming power. My church joined in that affirmation. The Bishop of my diocese became the denying power when she said "not now." And now I wait for reconciliation. Because when the reconciling force moves, something new will come.

My husband and I conceived a child by accident - life found a way, to paraphrase Jurassic Park. Life became an affirming force, only to be denied. There is no blame there - the medications I was on probably caused the miscarriage, but that's not my fault. And then my husband and I became the force of reconciliation. We participated in the affirmation and the denial, and ended up creating my daughter.

This post is in no way a criticism of the Bishop. Denial is not wrong or bad, as every parent knows. I have faith that her "not yet" is somehow part of God's plan for me. Her role in stopping the process is just as important and good as my role in initiating the process. And now I am in reconciliation, waiting to see what new wonderful blessing is being ushered into my life.

September 2017 Stitch Fix Review

YAY! It's Stitch Fix time! My husband recently signed up for Stitch Fix, so I let him get a few Fixes in before I scheduled one for myself. What is Stitch Fix? It's a clothes shopping service. You create an account and fill out a style profile that includes all your clothing sizes and preferences. If you really want to get a good Fix, you also create and share a Pinterest clothing board. Then, at a time that YOU schedule, a personal shopper selects 5 items for you and mails them to you. You decide what to keep and what to send back. If you send everything back, it only costs $20 for the styling fee. If you keep all 5 items, you get 25% off the total. If you keep 4 or fewer items, the $20 styling fee is credited to your total.
Use my affiliate link and I'll get a discount!

In this Fix I requested lots of warm clothes. I'm desperate for lined wool pants. Sadly, I didn't get any of those. I think stylish lined wool pants are the unicorn of the clothing world. However, I got two cozy tops, one amazing plaid shirt, and two pairs of stylish and snug pants.
First let's talk about the Edeva Button Up Top. For $64, it's a little more money than I might spend on a plaid shirt. But it is SO comfortable. I put it on and fell in love.

This shirt has tabs so you can roll up the sleeves and a shirttail that is nice and long in the back to provide coverage if I happen to wear it with leggings. I appreciate the bias cut detail on the front pockets. Perfect for fall days! This is a KEEP.

Next up, the Glynn Faux Leather Detail Moto Legging. Black leggings with pleats and faux leather, which would be great if I didn't already have a very similar pair in my closet. They're $58, but my Keep 5 discount is $78, so I'm on the fence about these.

The other pair of pants are olive green, a color I have been wanting for a while. They are the Chloe Moto Detail Jogger Pant, and when I showed them to my husband he asked me to tell me more about them. As in, where would I wear them, and why did they have pleats?

Why DO they have pleats? I think the pleats are what make them "moto." Look, I don't get fashion. But these pants ARE very comfortable and certainly a lot more fashion forward than sweats. At $58, they are a decent price. Plus they go really well with my brand new red sweater and my floral combat boots. And the best thing? They have pockets!

As a comfortable alternative to jeans that I can wear in public, these are probably going to be keepers.

Now for the last two tops. One is a Tammi Cowl Neck Knit Top, B Collection by Bobeau. It's $58 and has a great neckline. I like this top and the price, but I'm not sure if it's a good length for me. I feel like it might end right at the wide part of my hips, which is not flattering. Also, the color is a little bland for me. On the other hand, this is very comfortable and cozy. Plus it's the kind of top that I can see wearing a lot, simply because it's comfortable, neutral, and needs no accessories due to the fancy neckline.

And finally, by Retrod, the Canaya Cotton Blend Pullover in navy. I love this sweater. I love the button detail down the sides. I love the relaxed cowl neck. I love the inside out stitching details. I love the navy blue color. I love that it's made of cotton, so I can layer it for all types of weather. For $74, this is a definite KEEP.

And yes, that final picture DOES show my belly pooch. You know what, I've got a belly pooch, and I just don't care. I'm a real woman, so admire my belly pooch and then give whatever pooches you have a little love too.

So as of right now I have two definite Keeps, one probable Keep, and two maybes. Input?

MIsanthropic Musings

In his sermon today, our Rector, Greg Jones, mused about how in seminary he didn't lose his faith in God, but his faith in people was somewhat diminished. And I must say, I know what he means. I have been extremely fortunate in my life experiences. I've met far more friends than enemies. I've been validated far more often than I've been betrayed. And the majority of my traumas have been not related to people.
Yet.
I know lots of people. I know women who have left abusive relationships. I know people who have been kicked out of their religious communities. I know people who have never been taught that they are beautiful and beloved. As I told a friend recently, "you've met a lot of jerks."
People are awful, but they are also wonderful. You can't ever give up on relationships, even if you have met a lot of jerks, because despite all the awful, there's so much wonderful. Maybe awe-full is the right word. It's awe-inspiring how a person can be the best thing since sliced bread in one instant, and rotten demonspit the next instant. I'm describing myself as well as others.
I'm 42 years old and I have some of the most amazing men and women in my circle of friends and acquaintances. Overall, I have far more good than bad. That's by design. I don't tolerate toxic people. I pray for them. I try to love them. But I don't keep them in close proximity.
So yes, people are kind of horrible. They are definitely THE problem. The beautiful (and scary) thing is that people are also amazing. People are THE solution.

What God Has Done For Me

Our rector, Robert Fruehwirth, challenged us to craft one sentence to describe how God has impacted us personally. I’ve been pondering that. God has done so much in my life, it’s difficult to boil it all down into one sentence. I had my first experience with God when I was just 9 years old. Ever since then, my relationship with God has been as real and powerful to me as my relationships with people. God got me through the horrors of junior high. God kept me sane during the stresses of high school and college. God patiently guided me to end my engagement to a man I would’ve been desperately unhappy with as a husband. In my mid-20’s, God guided me through the complete dissolution of my persona and ego, and brought me forth as a different and much happier person. God has guided my career path step by step, speaking in the inaudible and unmistakable voice, fulfilling the promise in Isaiah to always be at my right hand, telling me where to go. God gave me a miracle when I was 30. I have sought wisdom, and God has answered, just as promised in James. Not that I’m some kind of wise guru, but I do have much greater insight than I would without my faith.

But throughout it all, God has been guiding me into one powerful fruit of the Spirit: love. 

Love for my enemies. Love for tyrants, oppressors, abusers. Love for perpetual victims, back-stabbers, and gossipers. And not that whole “love the sinner, hate the sin,” kind of love either. More of a “there but for the grace of God go I” kind of love. A love that acknowledges and understands that I am a tyrant, an oppressor, an abuser, a perpetual victim, a back-stabber, a gossip. A love that is deep enough to forgive myself each day and step back into God’s grace.

So what has God done for me? God has given me the strength and humility to love each and every life on this planet.

A post like this is always a risk. I feel timid to share it. Because everyone who knows me knows a time that I have NOT been loving. I am not perfect, and I have not loved all others as myself. And I haven’t always loved myself either. I don’t post this to be holier than thou, because I’m not. On the other hand, I want to share this, because the ability to love each and every person in the world is a great gift. It’s painful. It’s difficult. It’s heart breaking. And it constantly forces me to confront my own sinfulness. Sometimes I go too far and get taken advantage of. Sometimes I set a bad boundary, and hurt someone else. The only thing that makes it bearable is God’s grace. I know that every second, I can repent and turn to God and be washed clean. And that I will have the strength from that grace and forgiveness to turn and ask for forgiveness.

So, what has God done for you?

My Summer Fix!

Well, Stitch Fix has done it again! They sent me another fabulous Fix that captures my style perfectly.
Stitch Fix is a shopping service that sends you 5 items of clothing (including shoes and accessories) once a month, once a quarter, or whenever you schedule a Fix. You tell them your style preferences and sizes, and pay a $20 styling fee for each Fix. That fee is applied to the price of whatever you keep, so if you send everything back, you only pay $20. All shipping is free. In addition, they brilliantly give you a 25% discount off the total price if you purchase all 5 items. And don’t worry about being pregnant or plus sized, or male. They serve all humans!

My last Fix was very pretty, but I ended up only keeping two items. For this fix I was hoping for some dresses, especially a maxi dress, and I got exactly that.

First, the Loveappella Aleicia Knit Maxi Dress.

This dress is everything a summer dress should be. 

It feels like wearing a nightgown. It has short sleeves and is floor length, which makes it a great option for days when you haven't shaved in a while. And I love the color and pattern, especially the paisley at the the bottom. I predict that I will wear this dress way too often for true fashion. Price $74, size Medium

Second, the Collective Concepts Suri Dress.

This blue floral dress is so much fun! 

I’m not a fan of the hi-low hemline, but this hemline is more like a shirt tail, being slightly shorter at the sides. I like that it has that modern effect of the uneven hemline without being so trendy. Plus it flares out when I spin, and when I wear it, I want to spin! I think it needs a belt, and was surprised that it didn’t come with a belt or even belt loops. I tried four different belts with it. Which one do you think is the best? Price $78, size Medium.

Third, a gorgeous Renee C Elvira Lace Pencil Skirt. 

I love me a good pencil skirt, and this one is delightfully stretchy. Plus the blue lace overlay is beautiful and elegant without being stuffy. I am wearing the waist a bit higher than I normally do, because I like the hem of my skirts to fall just beneath my knee. I paired it with a white sleeveless top which I tucked in, although normally I don’t tuck. For hanging out I can add my Kelly green cardigan, and for more formal events I can wear my pretty white lace blazer. Definitely another keeper. Price $54, size Medium.

I also got two blouses which I like, but I’m not sure if I LOVE them.

The first blouse is a Black Tape Carliton Reversible Blouse in black, size Medium, $54. I must confess, I don’t see how this is reversible. When I turn it inside out, the tag shows on the back. Should I be turning it back to front? Also, this shirt means no bra. I could wear a strapless bra, but I find those uncomfortable and not flattering. Ever since breastfeeding, I need some lift, y’all. I’m torn on the whole non bra thing. I like to be "free" when I’m doing hot gardening work in the summer. But out in public? The saving grace is that this is a black top, so it’s not super obvious that I’m letting it all hang out. And the neckline is high enough that when I lean forward there isn’t any indecent exposure.

The second blouse is a feminine Brixon Ivy Alessandria Crochet Bib Lace Top, size Medium, $54. It has a built in undershirt with nice snaps to hold the undershirt straps in place. I have a good sense for how this will work because I have another Brixon Ivy shirt with built in undershirt. This blouse is a bit lower cut than I normally go for, but I added a pretty turquoise necklace and I think it looks good. The lace is soft and very elastic. It will dress up shorts very nicely, and it’s a good piece for the summer because it covers my arms when I’m in an AC icebox.

So, what to keep and what to send back!

The two dresses and the skirt are 100% keepers. That brings my subtotal to $206, less the styling fee of $20, for a total of $186. I really like the white lace blouse, which brings the total to $230. But if I keep the black blouse too, then I’ll get a discount. The subtotal would be $314, minus the 25% discount of $78.50 and the styling fee of $20, for a grand total of $215.50. In other words, if I keep both blouses, I spend less money! I’m definitely leaning towards keeping all 5. The black blouse is a little out of my comfort zone, but it’s good to try new things!

So, do you need a Fix now? Use my referral link! https://www.stitchfix.com/referral/6057711?sod=w&som=c&str=19309

Also, if I did decide to return anything, I would simply put it inside the provided mailing bag and place it in my mailbox. Simple!

Are You Willing to be Wrong?

Are you willing to be wrong? 

Not wrong like bad, or failed, or screwed up, or wicked. Just wrong as in a mistake. I bet you aren't. I know I'm not. One of the things we cling to the tightest is being right. We believe that when a person is right, they are good, and when a person is wrong, they are evil.We may know this isn't always true, but that gut response is part of what keeps us desperately clinging to being right, all the time.

We’ve all felt the sting of injustice. We’ve all experienced consequences or punishment that was unjust, and that’s another reason why it’s so difficult to let go of being right. Because if you let go of being right, then maybe whatever happened to you wasn’t unjust after all!

When I was a kid, I was in the school’s gifted and talented program. This meant that I had to leave my home class room and go to the gifted room periodically. The schedule wasn’t in sync with the rest of the school, for whatever reason, which meant that I was responsible for watching the clock and leaving my room on my own initiative. No one came and got me, no one reminded me, and our gifted time came out of our regular class time. Looking back, it was a pretty screwed up system!

So one of these days, I lost track of the time. I was in third grade, working on an assignment, when I suddenly realized that I was late to the gifted time! I hurriedly put my things away and rushed to the classroom. The gifted teacher called me to her desk.

“Why are you late?” she asked.

“I, um, I didn’t know what time it was.”

“Don’t give me an excuse. Tell me why you are late.”

“I wasn’t watching the clock…”

“No excuses. Tell me the reason.”

“Umm, I don’t know. I, uh, I forgot?”

I was utterly baffled. I didn’t know what she wanted. I tried to explain what had happened, but she brushed my explanation aside. In the end, apparently she wanted me to say that I had forgotten the class, which I had. She didn’t want to hear justifications or excuses.

You may not like her method (and I still feel the sting of anger about this story), but she had a point. I had made a mistake and was in the wrong.

I’m not really sure what she was trying to do. What she did was make the gifted class a place I hated to be.

But I was just doing what I had learned how to do: hide the fact that I was in the wrong.

Because it doesn’t matter what kind of parenting methods you use, or what religion you grew up with, or how your parents modeled conflict resolution. Raising a child means telling that child s/he is wrong about something, and enforcing the consequences of mistakes. Everyone learns that mistakes and wrongness equal unpleasant experiences. So we shy away from admitting our mistakes. We justify our actions.

Admitting we’re wrong, at its most basic level, opens us up to potential suffering. On top of that, there are layers of morality: is our wrongness a sin? There are social concerns: is our wrongness going to embarrass us? There are remembered injustices: if I’m wrong about this, did I deserve all the bad things that happened to me? We grow up thinking that if we are right in what we do and say, we can avoid pain.

But clinging to being right all the time does nothing to keep us safe from pain. 

In our struggle to be right, or at least appear right, we destroy relationships. We fail to find compromises. We lose the ability to understand different points of view. We demonize those who are different from us (Facebook politics, anyone?).

Being right all the time also destroys us personally. We must constantly assess our actions and justify them. When we make a mistake, we worry about how to hide it, fix it, or justify it. When we are publicly wrong, we suffer from humiliation and often our self esteem falls because it is so conditional. We seek out affirmation from others of our rightness instead of finding our identity in ourselves.

Release of being right is one step on the path to wisdom and wholeness. And I could be wrong about that, and that's OK.