Tuesday, October 13, 2015

So what, I'm a Failure

So here's the weird thing about being me. Yes, I'm sad and depressed. Yes, the thought of closing my business is heartbreaking and frustrating. Yes there's part of me that is lying on the ground crying and wailing.
But there's another part. A part that says, yeah, so what.
This is just drama. Me wailing and beating myself up about being a failure - it's just drama. I'm successful and accomplished, and I do amazing things. And that means that eventually, when this stretch of drama has played out, I'll get back to doing amazing things.
I don't know what they will be. I don't know when they will happen. I don't know anything, really, other than the fact that at my core, I am OK.

This is what all those motivational posters are talking about. This is inspiration in action. Allowing myself to feel depressed and sad. Allowing myself to cry over business failures. But also letting go of the drama because I know the TRUTH. The truth is that I am OK. I am God's daughter. As a failure, I am still beloved and precious. I have value. My life has value. Even my failures are valuable to God, because She will transform them into Her successes.

Does it give me comfort? Does it take away my tears? Does it give me the motivation to pick up and start doing stuff?

I still feel like shit.
I still feel like a failure.
I still feel sad over losing my business.
It still hurts.


It's temporary.
I can give myself grace, I can allow myself to grieve, I can shrug off the pain and not try to inspire myself because I know this will pass. I can enjoy my day because I know this is all a bunch of drama and lies. Because I am OK. I have value. God can work with me, no matter what.

I'm not happy. I'm not determined to take up my bed and walk. I'm not ready to strategize for future success. But I am able to keep putting one foot ahead of the other. I am able to take good care of my self by eating healthily, sleeping well, and doing ONLY things I enjoy doing.

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