Deacon?

I’m thinking about ordination again. Haven’t I learned my lesson? I’ve been scrutinized and found wanting by two churches now, and yet I’m thinking about ordination again.

Is this a calling? Is that what it means? It’s not a desire for personal glory, to stand at the front of a church and be seen as some kind of holy person. It’s not a desire to consecrate the sacraments. It’s pastoral, shepherd like in nature. I don’t want to consecrate the bread and wine, but I do want to be able to perform marriages. I don’t want to preach, but I do want to go into the world and teach non Christians about my faith – to show them that the ignorant hateful nonsense that is spewed in the name of my beloved Jesus is NOT Christianity.

I just read through the ordination process to become a Deacon in the Episcopal church. It’s not a light thing. It will take a few years. It requires a 10 month internship at a church that is not my home church. Ten months attending church away from my family? That gives me pause. At least three times during the process, I have to earn the approval of my church’s parish committee and vestry. Did I mention I’ve already been found wanting by two churches? Found wanting in secret meetings where I was not allowed to speak or explain myself?

Why would I even consider this? I have my ministry, in the form of my business. I have my evangelism, in a form that is authentic for me. I am among people who have rejected God, pouring God’s love on them without saying the name of Jesus who gives it. I have no need for letters after my name or a title. And yet, I want to be affiliated with the Episcopal church. I want to represent something concrete and beautiful.

Do I want to pursue ordination?